


Pieces of You

by Thistlerose



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Challenge Response, Character Death Fix, Crack, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, M/M, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2013-04-10
Packaged: 2017-12-08 02:39:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/756027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistlerose/pseuds/Thistlerose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If there's one story that guarantees me a spot in Hell, it's this one.  I think what happened was, someone said something like, "What if Sirius splinched himself on the way to the Department of Mysteries, and Remus kept whatever piece he'd left behind?"  And I wrote this.  It's CRACK, I tell you.  And I'm going to Hell.  </p><p>Written in 2006.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pieces of You

Tired of muddy country roads and Tesco's sandwiches, Harry, Ron, and Hermione decided to take break from Horcrux Hunting and pay Remus a visit.

Their former professor greeted them at his cottage door, looking shabbier than ever, a voluminous text clutched under his arm. "Hello," he said pleasantly as they tromped up the front steps and into the front corridor. "May I offer you some tea? Or chocolate?"

"A hot _bath_ ," Ron said, shrugging out of his sodden jacket. It landed on the floor with a wet smack.

"Ron," said Hermione exasperatedly, "I swear, you have the social graces of a baboon."

" _EE EE EE OOH OOH_ ," said Ron gloweringly.

A few hours later, bellies full of tea and chocolate, skin pink and wrinkled from their baths, the Trio was in considerably better spirits. 

"We should figure out where we're going next," Hermione said as they gathered in Lupin's spare bedroom. 

"I left the map downstairs," Harry realized. "Hang on. I'll be back in a second."

He was making his way quietly to the kitchen when he happened to glance into the living room and there he saw Lupin, seated in a battered armchair by the window. Starlight glimmered along his wistful profile and, as Harry watched, transfixed, a single tear rolled from the corner of his amber eye, down his cheek. 

He reached into the breast pocket of his tweed jacket and pulled out not the handkerchief that Harry had anticipated, but something black and very small – about the size of a caterpillar and as fuzzy. He dabbed the tear away with it, then held it against his cheek and sighed deeply.

Harry dashed into the kitchen, grabbed the map from the table, and dashed back up to where the others were waiting.

"All right, that was bloody odd," he said. "I swear, Lupin just – you know - _fondled_ someone's eyebrow."

"I didn't know Tonks was here," said Ron.

"She's not. It wasn't her eyebrow. And anyway, it wasn't attached to anyone."

Ron paled. "You mean…" He dropped his voice to a hoarse whisper. "You mean…you mean Lupin slashed someone's eyebrow _off_ \--"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Ron. Lupin slashing. What utter rubbish."

"There wasn't any blood," said Harry. "At least, I didn't see any. It was just…an eyebrow. A black eyebrow."

"He could've cleaned up the blood," Ron began, looking around warily, as if he expected their former professor to leap out at him from the shadows, wielding an axe.

"Maybe we'd better keep an eye on him," said Hermione. "Just for a little while."

"As long as _he's_ not keeping _our_ eyes on _him_ , if you know what I mean," Ron grumbled.

*

Lupin greeted them the next morning, looking shabbier than ever. He gave them breakfast, then left them alone so they could plan their next move.

Ron thought they ought to go back to Knockturn Alley, see if they could get something out of one or more of the unsavory shop owners there. Hermione insisted that they were better off going to Hogwarts to consult the books in the library. Ron snapped that she was going through library withdrawal and had to get back before she started hallucinating. Hermione snarled that Ron was already hallucinating.

While they argued, Harry got up and went to find Lupin, to see if he had any suggestions. He found his former professor in the living room once again.

"Profess—" he started to say, but then he saw that Lupin had that black eyebrow out again. He was playing with it, twirling it against his palm, weaving it between his splayed fingers. On his face was a look of such obvious longing that Harry was rendered speechless.

He found his voice when Ron and Hermione came up behind him some moments later.

"What the—" Ron began.

Harry pointed. " _See?_ " he hissed. 

"Professor Lupin?" said Hermione uncertainly, brushing past Harry. "Er."

Lupin stopped toying with the eyebrow and blinked at her. Tears brimmed in his eyes and caught in his lashes. "Please don't mind me. I'm all right."

"You're holding somebody's eyebrow," Ron pointed out. "That's not all right, man."

Lupin glanced at the eyebrow in his hand and sighed deeply. "You see… Oh, Harry, I hoped you wouldn't find out like this. I'd rather hoped you wouldn't find out at all, but…"

"But what?" Harry prompted when Lupin trailed off.

"You see…your godfather and I…" A tear dribbled down his cheek. "We were… Well, you see, this is _his_ eyebrow."

Harry blinked. "Er."

"Your godfather," Lupin explained, crying openly now, "he was always – always – a bit arse at Apparating. Always leaving bits of himself behind. We – James – andand – Peter and I – we were always…" He sniffled loudly. "…always reattaching things. And then—"

"He left that eyebrow behind when he Apparated to the Department of Mysteries," Hermione surmised. "Didn't he?"

Lupin doubled over, his body wracked with sobs.

"Er," said Harry.

"So – wait a minute," Ron said, barely audible over Lupin's noise. "Him and _Sirius?_ What about _Tonks?_ "

"Tonks is _gay_ ," said Hermione exasperatedly. "You can tell from her hair. _Honestly_ , Ronald."

She went to Lupin and patted his heaving shoulder awkwardly. "There, there, Professor. We'll straighten this out. In a manner of speaking. Give me the eyebrow."

But Lupin clenched the eyebrow in his hand and held it against his chest. "No! This is all that remains to me of my one true love!"

"We'll _fix_ it," Hermione insisted. "Don't you see? We can regrow Sirius from this one little piece of him."

"We can?" said Ron doubtfully. "How?"

"I don't know yet," Hermione said, still trying to comfort Lupin. "But I bet the answer is in the Hogwarts library."

*

It was.

They had to make a potion, which was pretty complicated. Fortunately, with Snape gone, they had little trouble getting the necessary ingredients. They dipped the eyebrow in the potion, laid it on a desk, and settled down to wait.

For a long time, nothing seemed to be happening. Then, slowly…

"Oh, he's doing splendidly!" said Hermione enthusiastically, clasping her hands and beaming.

Lupin pushed past her. "Padfoot!" he crooned to the patch of skin. "Oh, my love! Can he hear me?" he asked, turning back to the others.

"You probably have to wait for his ear to grow back," remarked Ron.

The whole process was pretty gruesome, actually, and best left to your imagination. In about a week, they had an entire Sirius Black.

"My love!" cried Lupin, hastening to his lover's side and taking him in his arms.

The Trio exited discreetly and closed the door behind them.

"What the fuck?" croaked Sirius.

Oh, that voice! What music! 

Lupin wept.

"What. The. Fuck." 

Lupin seized Sirius's hand and began to kiss it. "Oh, my darling. My love," he gushed. "How I missed you. I thought you were gone forever. I—"

Then he noticed that Sirius wasn't responding to his ardor. "Darling? Don't you know me?"

"I'm sorry," said Sirius, "but I don't know who you are. I don't remember anything."

"But…" Despair raged in Lupin's heart. No! He had come so far! He looked at Sirius. Beautiful Sirius. HIS beautiful Sirius. He reached up hesitantly and touched his beautiful Sirius's left eyebrow. 

Sirius gasped slightly.

Encouraged, Lupin touched his eyebrow again. A stronger touch, almost a caress.

Sirius bit his lip, but the whimper escaped.

"You do remember," Lupin whispered, smiling, and continuing his ministrations. "The rest of your body may have died, but this eyebrow never went beyond the Veil. It remembers…"

"My eyebrow could never forget your love," said Sirius, tears stinging his eyes. "Oh, my Moony…"

"I carried your eyebrow with me because I love you more than life. I love you, Sirius Black. I love you."

"Moony…"

"Oh, Padfoot."

"Moony…I remember you." Sirius's voice slid into Lupin like a well-lubed cock. "Oh, Moony… You look shabbier than ever!"

They kissed slowly and it was an awkward sort of kiss because Remus was still stroking Sirius's eyebrow. But it deepened eventually. 

And there was tongue.

The end. 

02/02/06


End file.
